How do I forgive someone? (when it's hard / they're not sorry / is it ever wrong?)

ForgivenessMulti-view · no verdict

Short answer

This clusters several real questions, and one part of it is genuinely contested among sincere Christians, presented below with none endorsed. The agreed core: forgiveness is a willed release "from the heart" (Matthew 18:35), without limit (Matthew 18:22), that refuses bitterness (Hebrews 12:15) and hands vengeance to God (Romans 12:19), you do it by receiving God's mercy first (Matthew 18:32-33), praying for the person (Matthew 5:44), and choosing not to hold the wrong against them. Where Christians divide is whether the granting of forgiveness waits for the offender's repentance (the conditional view, Luke 17:3) or is offered unilaterally regardless (the unconditional view, Mark 11:25; Luke 23:34). And …, never wrong to release bitterness, but forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation or returning to harm: reconciliation needs both parties (and often repentance + rebuilt trust), and safety from abuse remains legitimate.

Question

How do I forgive someone, including when it's hard, when they're not sorry, in my relationships, and is it ever wrong to forgive?

Analysis

How to forgive (where all agree)

Step	Basis
Remember your own forgiveness first	Matthew 18:32-33 (the unforgiving servant forgot his pardon)
Refuse bitterness / the grudge	Hebrews 12:15; Ephesians 4:31-32
Hand vengeance to God, don't repay	Romans 12:17-21; 1 Peter 3:9
Pray for the person	Matthew 5:44; Luke 23:34
Will it, even before you feel it	Matthew 18:35 ("from your hearts")
Without limit	Matthew 18:22; Luke 17:4

The contested part, must they repent first?

View	Position	Held by
Unconditional / unilateral	Forgive regardless of repentance, release it to God for your own freedom and obedience (Mark 11:25; Luke 23:34; Ephesians 4:32).	Much pastoral counseling; Lewis Smedes.
Conditional / transactional	Hold an unconditional disposition (no grudge, ready to forgive), but grant forgiveness upon repentance, as God does (Luke 17:3-4).	Jay Adams; John MacArthur; Chris Brauns.
Both-and	Keep the unconditional attitude now; full two-way forgiveness + reconciliation awaits repentance.	Many evangelical pastors.

They converge in practice: release the grudge, pray for them, pursue peace where safe, leave justice to God, an "unconditional" and "conditional" counselor often guide a hurting person to the same next step.

Forgiveness in relationships, and "is it ever wrong?"

Forgiveness ≠ reconciliation: pursue peace "as much as lieth in you" (Romans 12:18), but reconciliation needs the other party, and often their repentance and rebuilt trust.
Forgiveness ≠ tolerating harm: it never obligates returning to danger; protection, boundaries, and lawful justice remain legitimate (Romans 13:1-4; Jesus tells the persecuted to flee, Matthew 10:23).
So it is never wrong to release bitterness, but it can be unwise to treat forgiveness as if it erased the need for repentance, safety, or justice. (For abuse/danger: forgiveness and seeking help belong together.)

Why forgive at all? (does it help?)

Scripture frames it as obedience and freedom: unforgiveness imprisons (Matthew 18:34, the servant "delivered to the tormentors"), bitterness defiles (Hebrews 12:15), and releasing it frees the forgiver to live unchained by the offense. The motive is the mercy we've received, not the offender's deserving (Ephesians 4:32).

Sources, trace every one

Every cited verse, in full. Tap any reference to open it in the reader.

Matthew 18:35bsb
That is how My heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”
Matthew 18:22bsb
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy-seven times!
Hebrews 12:15bsb
See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God, and that no root of bitterness springs up to cause trouble and defile many.
Romans 12:19bsb
Do not avenge yourselves, beloved, but leave room for God’s wrath. For it is written: “Vengeance is Mine; I will repay, says the Lord.”
Matthew 18:32bsb
Then the master summoned him and said, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave all your debt because you begged me.
Matthew 5:44bsb
But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,
Luke 17:3bsb
Watch yourselves. If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.
Mark 11:25bsb
And when you stand to pray, if you hold anything against another, forgive it, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your trespasses as well.”
Luke 23:34bsb
Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up His garments by casting lots.
Ephesians 4:31bsb
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, outcry and slander, along with every form of malice.
Romans 12:17bsb
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Carefully consider what is right in the eyes of everybody.
1 Peter 3:9bsb
Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
Luke 17:4bsb
Even if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times returns to say, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”
Ephesians 4:32bsb
Be kind and tenderhearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.
Romans 12:18bsb
If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone.
Romans 13:1bsb
Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which is from God. The authorities that exist have been appointed by God.

On contested questions we show every major view, attributed and cited, and pick no winner. Answers are synthesized from primary sources, truth you can trace, not opinion.